girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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