I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
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The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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