Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
