So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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