So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
