Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
