just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
