You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
