It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
