Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
