NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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