Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
