i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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