I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
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Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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