3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
