Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
