what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
