i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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