you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
