well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
