i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
