You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
