Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
