we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
