My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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