Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
