When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
