So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
