I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
