Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize