why do cheetos always look like penises
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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