Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
