I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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