I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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