i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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