I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
