Cold hands, warm shart.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
