seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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