So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
