Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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