just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
