my room smells like sperm. sweet.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
