Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
