I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
