i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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