Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
