Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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