i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
