puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
