He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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