what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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