dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
