I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
