I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
