last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
