every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
