Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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