you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
