Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
